Swisherrific!

Nick Swisher, the epitome of dirty baseball player, is officially a Yankee!
He can't really hit, but I am sure he can score. Oh yeah, I just went there and used baseball lingo as innuendo. I just stooped to cougarish levels... you would too if you were Nick Swisher's only fan.

Ramen Noodles: The Poor Man's Crack

Hello. My name is Liz and I am addicted to ramen noodles. This is the first time I am openly admitting this, but my addition is obvious to those who are close to me.



I've known the salty goodness that is ramen my entire life. When I was in grade school, I would eat dinner at a friend's house and her parents would serve ramen noodles as a side dish. My parents always served me healthy, non-processed food growing up, so the salty, spicy ramen was a treat.

It wasn't until college that I developed my initial addiction. I didn't have much of a food budget then, about $20 per week. $1 would get me six packs of ramen noodles, and I would have $19 left over for beer. Although I never mixed the two, ramen and beer were extremely complimentary of each other. After a night of boozing, there was nothing better than coming home to a salty bowl of ramen, prepared in 3 minutes.

Now I am a few years out of college and I still ingest massive amounts of ramen. I am privy to the oriental flavor, but chicken hits the spot as well. I've dabbled in other forms of sodium: Lipton soups, ginger ale, mashed potatoes and popcorn loaded with extra salt but nothing hits the spot like ramen noodles.

I prepare it over the stove. Shaking until I get my sodium fix, I wait for the water to boil. I have a special bowl that I like using and a special spoon. The experience is just sub par with out them. Once the water boils, I break up the ramen into manageable quarters, so each part is thoroughly boiled. Before the noodles absorb most of the water, I shake the flavor packet so everything is concentrated towards the bottom. To have the flavoring spill would be most tragic, since that is where the salty concoction comes from. Ripping open the top of the flavor packet, I quickly sprinkle the flavoring and stir. I don't want the magic powder to lose its oriental flavor, so this part of the routine is done quickly. Still shaking from withdrawl, I pour the finished product into my special bowl and stir again with my special spoon. I inhale the saltiness and then take my first sip. The feeling of that first sip is the rush I have been waiting for all day! It's like a shock of evil rushing through my taste buds.

I know ramen noodles have no nutritional value whatsoever. I've tried to convince myself how horrible they are for me, and that I will most likely develop heart disease from daily ingestion. I've imagined the ramen noodle factory, and tried to trick myself into believing that it's rat infested and full of evil fat midgets who are shareholders in pharmaceutical companies that specialize in blood pressure medication. No luck, I still need the saltiness.

Yes, I am addict who gets their fix the cheapest way they can. And I have taken the first step and admitted it. Please stay tuned for my adventures in recovery. It's a long, winding road, but I am confident that I can get there and kick my habit for good!

The Price Is Right

If you've ever seen the classic game show, "The Price Is Right" then you know it's right up there with Disneyworld as being one of the happiest places on Earth. While watching it today, I took note of how everyone congratulates and hugs the person who is called down to be a contestant. Every one is cheering and screaming like 10 year old girls at a Jonas Brother's concert. The Price Is Right is extremely entertaining and happy, and I think we can find another worldy use for it.



We take all world leaders that have conflicts with each other, fly them to Los Angeles, and force them to participate in a taping of the Price Is Right. It will automatically alter every one's disgruntled moods into carefree fun! We'll call down Russia and Georgia, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, the US and virtually every country in Africa and pin them up against each other in games like Plinko! And of course, they'll all be enthusiastic participants in the Showcase Showdown! I don't know why the UN hasn't recommended this already!

Our Economic Crisis, and the Rap Song That Describes It

If there is one song which I believe fully explains the economic state that our county is experiencing right now, it has to be "Still Fly" by the Big Tymers. Please take a gander at the chorus line:

Gator boots with the pimped out Gucci suits (With the Gucci suits)
Ain't got no job, but I stay suave (Ehh-Ehh Ehh-Ehh, I stay suave)
Can't pay my rent, cause all my money's spent (I can't pay my rent)
But that's okay, cause I'm Still Fly (Uh, Uh, Damn! Cause I'm so fly)

Got a quarter tank of gas - in my new E class (In my E-Class Benz)
But that's alright, cause I'm gon' ride (mmm-hmm)
Got everythang - in my momma name (We got everythang, in my momma name)
But I'm Hood Rich - dadah-dadah da-dah da-dah da-dah (Uh-Huh!)

The Big Tymers are right on! Although this song was written and released a few years back, it was a foreshadowing of what we're experiencing right now: People buy things that they can't afford, just to look Hood Rich.


My solution: The government should bring in the Big Tymers as economic consultants, since they obviously know what's going on. I am sure they can think of economy-friendly methods of getting the bang for your buck. As you can see in one of their album covers, they could probably bring down unemployment, since they got that work.

Michael Phelps

In light of the upcoming Olympic Games in Beijing, I figure I'd give my two cents about one of the most high-profile olympians.


Michael Phelps will be competing for the United States in a number of individual events and relays. What you may not know about Michael Phelps is that he has a DUI conviction in Maryland. Michael Phelps also attended the University of Michigan and has earned the reputation there as a complete Douchebag (please note the capitalization). I know this from friends who have also attended the University of Michigan and have personally met him. The problem with meeting him however is trying to get through his entourage.


I have coached children in swimming and it sickens me that they consider this individual a role model. I realize that people go through tough times and make mistakes, but I have no sympathy for Michael Phelps. The dude has multi-million dollar endorsements with Speedo and other products, can't he hire a damn driver? In addition, there are a number of gifted athletes at the University of Michigan, specifically football players. From what I hear, Michael Phelps is the only male athlete who has a male entourage that protects him. Real cool!


Although I think Michael Phelps is deserving of the medals he's earned, I really think he is overrated as a role model. I will be painfully rooting for him and enthusiastically cheering for the rest of the U.S. Swim Team this summer.

Defeating Douchebags

This morning I drove my regular route to work, which starts at the NJ Turnpike Extension. I was in the left lane, pretty close to another car which was in front of me. This blue Nissan Altima comes up behind me, and then quickly switches to the right lane. He can't get any further in the right lane, and I immediately knew what was going to happen.

You know the type, hot-headed white guy who has to get everywhere immediately. The guy that has a tremendously huge ego to cover for his incredibly small manhood. And seriously, what type of male drives a bright blue Nissan Altima?! Maybe a blue Ford Mustang, but a Nissan Altima?! That type of car is for grandmas who are going through their life-end crisis!

So anyway John Douchebag #1 is riding close to the driver in the right lane. Suddenly, he jerks over to the left, forcing his way into the minuscule space between me and the driver in front of me. I honk long and loud. And do you know what he does next? Yes, he slams on his brakes in a failed attempt to get me to rear-end him. Oh no he didn't!

I am usually very docile, however people who are terrible drivers ignite a spark of rage within me. John Douchebag #1 not only crossed the line, he invaded my territory and started constructing cheap condos on it. After honking even more at him and flipping him off, I remembered that New Jersey is the best state ever and encourages the reporting of aggressive drivers. I followed John Douchebag #1 and gained his license plate number (New Jersey UBH 25T, if any one's interested). I then called the Turnpike Police and reported his ass.

Now I highly doubt that he will be reprimanded for this. And yes, it's silly and stupid. But knowing that I take down one Douchebag a week for the rest of my life will push me that much closer to reaching self-actualization. And the world will become a better place. Holler.

Ichiro

I LOVE baseball, but is Ichiro the Madonna of Baseball?
I've noticed that he just goes by Ichiro now. Why is he so special that he can just use his first name? I have noticed that when Ichirio Suzuki's stats are being compared to other players, the other players have their first and last names while Ichiro is just ICHIRO. Addtionally, the name on the back of his jersey says, "Ichiro" rather than "Suzuki." Has any other baseball player achieved the diva status that Ichiro has? Did Babe Ruth have, "Babe" written on his jersey? I think not.

Soil Yourself

Last night I was teasing my boyfriend about soiling himself. He didn't really do that, it just came up in conversation. Tonight I had a different conversation about skydiving where I advised the skydivers not to soil themselves. After this conversation I made myself a pact... I have vowed to use the phrase, "Please don't soil yourself." in normal conversation for as long as I can in consecutive days. I can't wait until tomorrow.

Breaking News Part II

So I left y'all.


The conclusion of my friend sitting next to Three 6 Mafia...

In her words, "They ate chicken wings and sweet potato fries." I asked her to take their food and she replied, "I did not, but my friend who was working at the place ate their sweet potato fries, not because they're famous but because she was hungry."
So there you go.

Breaking News

My friend is at lunch and is sitting next to Three 6 Mafia. I asked her to invite them to my Teddy Bear and Rainbows party this weekend. I am also curious as to what they are eating. I hope that she ravenges their table scraps. I will keep you updated...

On A Serious Note...

With all the terrible things that happen in the news, one item really pissed me off. During this weekend's Kentucky Derby, a horse named Eight Belles broke both front ankles and had to be euthanized shortly after the conclusion of the race. Animal Rights groups are now lashing out at the jockey and calling for him to be held responsible.

I am not as outlandish as PETA, but a horse doesn't arbitrarily break it's front two ankles. Obviously this horse went through some sort of rigorous training. To push an animal (who doesn't have a say in the matter) to it's death because of a stupid race is a crime in my book.

Seriously.

The Weather

I'm going to get all Jerry Seinfeld on you and state, "What is the deal with the Weather Men?"


It has rained and snowed since the beginning of time. So why do weather men make such a HUGE deal over rain and snow? The way they present it is like it's the end of the world!


They spew such cautionary words about the rain and snow, like we all just climbed out of Matt Lauer's ass and discovered a new world of things that pour from the sky.. "And watch out for the rain today... actually the rain all weekend! Make sure you grab your umbrellas and drive slowly through these torrential downpours!"


Wake me up when there's a monsoon in New Jersey. That will capture my interest.

The Best Path Ride EVER

Tonight I went into the city for a happy hour. I live in NJ and I have to take the PATH over. For those of you not from the NY metro area, the PATH is some wise acronym for "Crappy Subway Which Travels Under The River." The way back to NJ was the most crowded PATH ride I have ever been on. If I had not gotten a seat (I aggressively maneuvered my way on at 33rd Street), I would have not heard this gem.


More background: each PATH train has two "conductors." One actually drives the train and the other operates from within the cars. Tonight I happened to be in the car where the moving conductor was.


The Moving Conductor's job is to basically signal the driver when to leave and to alert passengers that the train is leaving. They always say something along the lines of, "Next stop, 9th Street. Watch out for the closing doors." The line of the night from the Moving Conductor, "Y'all better get your asses on the train before I come out there and conduct."


This may not be the best thing I have ever written, but I pretty much wet myself on the train. Y'all.

Why Do all New Yorkers Drive Like 90-Year Old Women?

In the New York metro area, there are a multitude of drivers from different states. You've got your New York, New Jersey, Connecticut and Pennsylvania drivers all trying to get around on the jungle of highways that surround New York City. I currently live in New Jersey, but I often go to my hometown in Orange County, New York. I also have an hour commute to work each way. To summarize, I drive around for about two hours each day.

I am not your typical Sunday afternoon driver. I will minimize the time spent driving by travelling at slightly faster speeds than others and maneuvering around anyone who's in my way. Speed is not really a thrill for me, I just would rather be doing something more productive (like a Flip Cup Tournament) than sitting in my car.


I get extremely annoyed when I am driving in the left lane (at around 80 mph) and I approach someone who is driving at about 55 mph. Usually there is no one in the middle or right lanes, this butt head is just cruising along in the passing lane. If they decline to move over, I will get increasingly aggressive and begin to tailgate them. Again, they are usually oblivious to this. My last resort is passing them on the right, and then cutting them off back in the left lane. My message is sent: MOVE OVER!


About 95% of the time, this space cadet has a NY license plate. Why do New Yorkers drive slow in the left lane?! I received my license from New York, and I don't recall driving slow in the left lane as a part of the curriculum. I don't know, maybe it's something that was before my time?


I don't want to totally hate on NY drivers, so let's bring Jersey into the mix. When I am driving in the left lane behind a slow New Yorker I am sometimes tailgated. And about 95% of the time this person has a New Jersey license plate. My resolution is to slam on my brakes which startles them and forces them to back off. It's not my fault if you rear-end me.


The worst of the worst: Hasidic drivers. There are quite a few of these Orthodox Jewish communities in the New York area. I usually don't like to judge people based upon culture or religion (which I have been ironically doing this whole article on a more localized scale, but in a light-hearted manner), but why are these people such terrible drivers? In Orange County NY (Route 17 aka "The Quickway"), they had to build a divider in the middle of the highway because the Hasidic people kept running off their side of the highway, across the middle and into oncoming traffic. No joke, every time you read about the accident on Route 17 in the paper they made sure to include that the driver was Hasidic.


It is a characteristic of the people in my family to think they are the best drivers ever but for real... I am no driving instructor. I have raced cars with professional drivers and they had their fun ragging on me for slamming on the brakes around a turn. A solution to this - we should all go back to horse and buggy. Not only will there be fewer altercations and accidents on the road - but horses are only guilty of emitting methane, which isn't as harmful as the fumes from your automobile.

That, and we should dedicate a holiday celebrating the existence of Joey Lawrence.

eHarmony.com

One of the most-advertised Internet dating websites, eHarmony.com, strikes me as a little weird. Their simple advertisements always contain the same chick-flick song and yuppie-ish couples canoodling. The couples, who claim not be actors, testify that they found their true love by logging onto eHarmony.com. They always tell a cute story of their dates or their rituals and every one's happy and lovey dovey.

The way the commercial is set up is that the couples give their testimonies against a white background, which really draws your attention to the couples' faces. Here is an example:


The thing that bothers me is that this couple, and every couple on eHarmony.com's commercials, look like they're related. It's really kind of sick. Is there no diversity on eHarmony.com?


Disclaimer: I have nothing against yuppies, they have happen to be in every commercial that I am intrigued about. Maybe that says something about me.

Mario or Luigi: Who Is the More Desirable Date?

You all remember Mario and Luigi: the Italian plumbers from Brooklyn who got roped into a weird, warped dimension that involved saving Princess Toadstool and defeating King Koopa?

Well, which one would you rather date?

Let me give you some facts: Mario was infatuated with Princess Toadstool and was the main character who was sent out to save her. He appears to be very outgoing, especially since his wardrobe choice is a bright red t-shirt and hat. You can also see in the picture that he is standing in a very aggressive pose: he will rip your eyes out.

On the other hand Luigi is a little more timid. He really wasn't involved with Princess Toadstool romantically (unless Mario and Luigi shared her, which is kind of icky). As you can see in the picture, he emits an awkwardness: his clothing doesn't fit right, his knees are bent as if he were about to give in to something, and he's putting his hand underneath his nose for no apparent reason. He was always second billing to Mario, so you kind of get the impression that he's just barely riding off his brother's success.

In my opinion, Mario seems like the ultimate thrill date: he's exciting, experienced and outgoing. He strikes me as the type of guy that would pick you up in his shiny new Corvette (red, of course), take you for a spin on the Thurway (he's no Freeway guy- he's going to try to impress you with the E-ZPass) at high speeds weaving through traffic, and then you go to the club for a night dancing and boozing. He might leave you for a moment or two, either he has another chick at the same club or he's riding the white horse, but he'll be back. He has only one thing on his mind... LASAGNA. And lasagna is exhilarating.

Luigi would take the subway to your apartment, whisk you away to an inexpensive out-of-the-way place that is loaded with charm. After dinner and stimulating conversation, you'd take a walk in the park and get some Italian Ice. As some of your dessert dribbles down your chin, Luigi awkwardly asks permission to wipe it off your face with his embroidered handkerchief. As you let him, he chuckles and you both have a "moment." He points out a subtle characteristic about a passerby which makes you think and yearn for more.

Mario sounds exciting to me, but I feel like Luigi would appreciate you more. I really can't decide, they both have such great qualities!

Who would YOU rather date?

Sonic, Why Do You Punish Us?

Those of you who live in the NY metro area may be familiar with commercials advertising the fast-food chain Sonic. In case you're not, the commercials usually depict a yuppie couple sitting in their car, bantering back and forth about what Sonic's food means to them. Then it usually cuts to shots of deliciousness that include slushies, burgers, cheesy tater tots, chicken wraps, etc.

I don't know about you, but these commercials make my mouth water. Oh how I have longed to sit in my car and snack on some cheesy tots and a big juicy Sonic Burger! After having a pregnant lady-type craving attack, I looked up the nearest Sonic location on my computer to discover that the nearest one is SIXTY-FOUR MILES AWAY in Waretown, NJ. Sonic, why are you advertising in NYC when your closest potential customer is peeing in the water at the Jersey Shore?! Sonic, are you trying to torture me by airing your seductive food commercials in my direct marketing area?! SONIC!!!!!!!

Ode to Sonic

SONIC, you are cruel and you are breaking my heart!

After eating your gaseous food, I know I would fart!

When I am lucky enough to visit you I bet,

I will roll up in your parking lot with my trashy Corvette.