Why Do all New Yorkers Drive Like 90-Year Old Women?

In the New York metro area, there are a multitude of drivers from different states. You've got your New York, New Jersey, Connecticut and Pennsylvania drivers all trying to get around on the jungle of highways that surround New York City. I currently live in New Jersey, but I often go to my hometown in Orange County, New York. I also have an hour commute to work each way. To summarize, I drive around for about two hours each day.

I am not your typical Sunday afternoon driver. I will minimize the time spent driving by travelling at slightly faster speeds than others and maneuvering around anyone who's in my way. Speed is not really a thrill for me, I just would rather be doing something more productive (like a Flip Cup Tournament) than sitting in my car.


I get extremely annoyed when I am driving in the left lane (at around 80 mph) and I approach someone who is driving at about 55 mph. Usually there is no one in the middle or right lanes, this butt head is just cruising along in the passing lane. If they decline to move over, I will get increasingly aggressive and begin to tailgate them. Again, they are usually oblivious to this. My last resort is passing them on the right, and then cutting them off back in the left lane. My message is sent: MOVE OVER!


About 95% of the time, this space cadet has a NY license plate. Why do New Yorkers drive slow in the left lane?! I received my license from New York, and I don't recall driving slow in the left lane as a part of the curriculum. I don't know, maybe it's something that was before my time?


I don't want to totally hate on NY drivers, so let's bring Jersey into the mix. When I am driving in the left lane behind a slow New Yorker I am sometimes tailgated. And about 95% of the time this person has a New Jersey license plate. My resolution is to slam on my brakes which startles them and forces them to back off. It's not my fault if you rear-end me.


The worst of the worst: Hasidic drivers. There are quite a few of these Orthodox Jewish communities in the New York area. I usually don't like to judge people based upon culture or religion (which I have been ironically doing this whole article on a more localized scale, but in a light-hearted manner), but why are these people such terrible drivers? In Orange County NY (Route 17 aka "The Quickway"), they had to build a divider in the middle of the highway because the Hasidic people kept running off their side of the highway, across the middle and into oncoming traffic. No joke, every time you read about the accident on Route 17 in the paper they made sure to include that the driver was Hasidic.


It is a characteristic of the people in my family to think they are the best drivers ever but for real... I am no driving instructor. I have raced cars with professional drivers and they had their fun ragging on me for slamming on the brakes around a turn. A solution to this - we should all go back to horse and buggy. Not only will there be fewer altercations and accidents on the road - but horses are only guilty of emitting methane, which isn't as harmful as the fumes from your automobile.

That, and we should dedicate a holiday celebrating the existence of Joey Lawrence.

eHarmony.com

One of the most-advertised Internet dating websites, eHarmony.com, strikes me as a little weird. Their simple advertisements always contain the same chick-flick song and yuppie-ish couples canoodling. The couples, who claim not be actors, testify that they found their true love by logging onto eHarmony.com. They always tell a cute story of their dates or their rituals and every one's happy and lovey dovey.

The way the commercial is set up is that the couples give their testimonies against a white background, which really draws your attention to the couples' faces. Here is an example:


The thing that bothers me is that this couple, and every couple on eHarmony.com's commercials, look like they're related. It's really kind of sick. Is there no diversity on eHarmony.com?


Disclaimer: I have nothing against yuppies, they have happen to be in every commercial that I am intrigued about. Maybe that says something about me.

Mario or Luigi: Who Is the More Desirable Date?

You all remember Mario and Luigi: the Italian plumbers from Brooklyn who got roped into a weird, warped dimension that involved saving Princess Toadstool and defeating King Koopa?

Well, which one would you rather date?

Let me give you some facts: Mario was infatuated with Princess Toadstool and was the main character who was sent out to save her. He appears to be very outgoing, especially since his wardrobe choice is a bright red t-shirt and hat. You can also see in the picture that he is standing in a very aggressive pose: he will rip your eyes out.

On the other hand Luigi is a little more timid. He really wasn't involved with Princess Toadstool romantically (unless Mario and Luigi shared her, which is kind of icky). As you can see in the picture, he emits an awkwardness: his clothing doesn't fit right, his knees are bent as if he were about to give in to something, and he's putting his hand underneath his nose for no apparent reason. He was always second billing to Mario, so you kind of get the impression that he's just barely riding off his brother's success.

In my opinion, Mario seems like the ultimate thrill date: he's exciting, experienced and outgoing. He strikes me as the type of guy that would pick you up in his shiny new Corvette (red, of course), take you for a spin on the Thurway (he's no Freeway guy- he's going to try to impress you with the E-ZPass) at high speeds weaving through traffic, and then you go to the club for a night dancing and boozing. He might leave you for a moment or two, either he has another chick at the same club or he's riding the white horse, but he'll be back. He has only one thing on his mind... LASAGNA. And lasagna is exhilarating.

Luigi would take the subway to your apartment, whisk you away to an inexpensive out-of-the-way place that is loaded with charm. After dinner and stimulating conversation, you'd take a walk in the park and get some Italian Ice. As some of your dessert dribbles down your chin, Luigi awkwardly asks permission to wipe it off your face with his embroidered handkerchief. As you let him, he chuckles and you both have a "moment." He points out a subtle characteristic about a passerby which makes you think and yearn for more.

Mario sounds exciting to me, but I feel like Luigi would appreciate you more. I really can't decide, they both have such great qualities!

Who would YOU rather date?

Sonic, Why Do You Punish Us?

Those of you who live in the NY metro area may be familiar with commercials advertising the fast-food chain Sonic. In case you're not, the commercials usually depict a yuppie couple sitting in their car, bantering back and forth about what Sonic's food means to them. Then it usually cuts to shots of deliciousness that include slushies, burgers, cheesy tater tots, chicken wraps, etc.

I don't know about you, but these commercials make my mouth water. Oh how I have longed to sit in my car and snack on some cheesy tots and a big juicy Sonic Burger! After having a pregnant lady-type craving attack, I looked up the nearest Sonic location on my computer to discover that the nearest one is SIXTY-FOUR MILES AWAY in Waretown, NJ. Sonic, why are you advertising in NYC when your closest potential customer is peeing in the water at the Jersey Shore?! Sonic, are you trying to torture me by airing your seductive food commercials in my direct marketing area?! SONIC!!!!!!!

Ode to Sonic

SONIC, you are cruel and you are breaking my heart!

After eating your gaseous food, I know I would fart!

When I am lucky enough to visit you I bet,

I will roll up in your parking lot with my trashy Corvette.