Eligible Eddie

Edward Snowden, the National Security Agency (NSA) consultant who leaked top-secret surveillance programs to the press, is looking for a country to grant him asylum.  His method for requesting asylum has been limited to submitting written requests via fax due to his inability to leave the airport in Moscow. 

Since Snowden is American, he should handle this in a very American way: REALITY DATING SHOW! OMG!

So, let me rephrase the first paragraph:

Edward Snowden, a hunky and daring bachelor, is looking for the love of his life.  After suffering through a scornful and tumultuous relationship with his ex-girlfriend, America, Eddie is looking for love all around the world!   He’ll strut his stuff for a gaggle of gorgeous world leaders, with the expectation that one of them will select him for sexy sanctuary!

A few weeks into the competition has already proven to be interesting and cutthroat.  Here are the potential suitors and their current impressions of Eddie:

• America is a woman scorned!  How dare Eddie betray her!  If she can’t have Eddie, she’ll make life miserable for any potential suitor.
• Uninterested India is uninterested in Eddie.  She usually goes for a different type.
• Cryptic China won’t say how she feels.  Oh, what a mystery she is!
• Backpedaling Ecuador changed her mind!  Her initial lust after Eddie was shredded after realizing the havoc that bitter America would wreak on their picturesque life together.
• Proud Poland, Beautiful Brazil, and Nice Netherlands don’t want the drama.
• Reluctant Russia is willing to negotiate, but she wants Eddie to change his dangerous ways!
• Underdog Bolivia needs some attention.  She’s made her interest known, but is smothered by the popularity of the other competing countries.  She’s starving for the fame and has planned something drastic to get noticed…
• Voluptuous Venezuela has made her desires known.  She wants Eddie big time and she is willing to make it happen.

Is Eddie is secret talks with China?  Will he change his daredevil ways to be with Russia?  Or will he fall for the open attraction voiced by Bolivia and Venezuela?  Find out next week on… ELIGIBLE EDDIE!