Defeating Douchebags

This morning I drove my regular route to work, which starts at the NJ Turnpike Extension. I was in the left lane, pretty close to another car which was in front of me. This blue Nissan Altima comes up behind me, and then quickly switches to the right lane. He can't get any further in the right lane, and I immediately knew what was going to happen.

You know the type, hot-headed white guy who has to get everywhere immediately. The guy that has a tremendously huge ego to cover for his incredibly small manhood. And seriously, what type of male drives a bright blue Nissan Altima?! Maybe a blue Ford Mustang, but a Nissan Altima?! That type of car is for grandmas who are going through their life-end crisis!

So anyway John Douchebag #1 is riding close to the driver in the right lane. Suddenly, he jerks over to the left, forcing his way into the minuscule space between me and the driver in front of me. I honk long and loud. And do you know what he does next? Yes, he slams on his brakes in a failed attempt to get me to rear-end him. Oh no he didn't!

I am usually very docile, however people who are terrible drivers ignite a spark of rage within me. John Douchebag #1 not only crossed the line, he invaded my territory and started constructing cheap condos on it. After honking even more at him and flipping him off, I remembered that New Jersey is the best state ever and encourages the reporting of aggressive drivers. I followed John Douchebag #1 and gained his license plate number (New Jersey UBH 25T, if any one's interested). I then called the Turnpike Police and reported his ass.

Now I highly doubt that he will be reprimanded for this. And yes, it's silly and stupid. But knowing that I take down one Douchebag a week for the rest of my life will push me that much closer to reaching self-actualization. And the world will become a better place. Holler.

Ichiro

I LOVE baseball, but is Ichiro the Madonna of Baseball?
I've noticed that he just goes by Ichiro now. Why is he so special that he can just use his first name? I have noticed that when Ichirio Suzuki's stats are being compared to other players, the other players have their first and last names while Ichiro is just ICHIRO. Addtionally, the name on the back of his jersey says, "Ichiro" rather than "Suzuki." Has any other baseball player achieved the diva status that Ichiro has? Did Babe Ruth have, "Babe" written on his jersey? I think not.

Soil Yourself

Last night I was teasing my boyfriend about soiling himself. He didn't really do that, it just came up in conversation. Tonight I had a different conversation about skydiving where I advised the skydivers not to soil themselves. After this conversation I made myself a pact... I have vowed to use the phrase, "Please don't soil yourself." in normal conversation for as long as I can in consecutive days. I can't wait until tomorrow.

Breaking News Part II

So I left y'all.


The conclusion of my friend sitting next to Three 6 Mafia...

In her words, "They ate chicken wings and sweet potato fries." I asked her to take their food and she replied, "I did not, but my friend who was working at the place ate their sweet potato fries, not because they're famous but because she was hungry."
So there you go.

Breaking News

My friend is at lunch and is sitting next to Three 6 Mafia. I asked her to invite them to my Teddy Bear and Rainbows party this weekend. I am also curious as to what they are eating. I hope that she ravenges their table scraps. I will keep you updated...

On A Serious Note...

With all the terrible things that happen in the news, one item really pissed me off. During this weekend's Kentucky Derby, a horse named Eight Belles broke both front ankles and had to be euthanized shortly after the conclusion of the race. Animal Rights groups are now lashing out at the jockey and calling for him to be held responsible.

I am not as outlandish as PETA, but a horse doesn't arbitrarily break it's front two ankles. Obviously this horse went through some sort of rigorous training. To push an animal (who doesn't have a say in the matter) to it's death because of a stupid race is a crime in my book.

Seriously.

The Weather

I'm going to get all Jerry Seinfeld on you and state, "What is the deal with the Weather Men?"


It has rained and snowed since the beginning of time. So why do weather men make such a HUGE deal over rain and snow? The way they present it is like it's the end of the world!


They spew such cautionary words about the rain and snow, like we all just climbed out of Matt Lauer's ass and discovered a new world of things that pour from the sky.. "And watch out for the rain today... actually the rain all weekend! Make sure you grab your umbrellas and drive slowly through these torrential downpours!"


Wake me up when there's a monsoon in New Jersey. That will capture my interest.

The Best Path Ride EVER

Tonight I went into the city for a happy hour. I live in NJ and I have to take the PATH over. For those of you not from the NY metro area, the PATH is some wise acronym for "Crappy Subway Which Travels Under The River." The way back to NJ was the most crowded PATH ride I have ever been on. If I had not gotten a seat (I aggressively maneuvered my way on at 33rd Street), I would have not heard this gem.


More background: each PATH train has two "conductors." One actually drives the train and the other operates from within the cars. Tonight I happened to be in the car where the moving conductor was.


The Moving Conductor's job is to basically signal the driver when to leave and to alert passengers that the train is leaving. They always say something along the lines of, "Next stop, 9th Street. Watch out for the closing doors." The line of the night from the Moving Conductor, "Y'all better get your asses on the train before I come out there and conduct."


This may not be the best thing I have ever written, but I pretty much wet myself on the train. Y'all.