Survivor

I am not a huge fan of Survivor but my roommate watches it regularly. I noticed that the host, Jeff Probst, uses the words, "immediately leave the island" when instructing the villagers (or the carefully-selected actors) how to depart after they're voted out.

What if someone doesn't immediately leave the island? What if they shuffle their way out, taking a victory lap to squeeze every last second out of those 15 minutes of fame? Are they forcibly removed at that point? Is there a bodyguard there? Is Jeff Probst really a robot with a time bomb inside him, and at the slightest delay of a reject leaving the island,he blows up, killing everyone instantly? Does the band Survivor come out and play "Eye of the Tiger" until the villagers burst into a psychotic revolt due to the repetition?

This is why I'm here. I ask the tough questions.

This Whiny Brat Pack Has To Go! Hey Hey! Ho Ho!

Dear Protesting Students at NYU:

Really? You’re staging “violent” protests over the release of financial information? And just while you’re at it, you’re throwing in some hubbub about providing scholarships to foreign students?

If you’re staging near-violent protests, I really think that you could find a cause that’s a little more exciting. Like cafeteria food. Or the fact that meat is murder.

I get it… you’re upset over the fact that Girls Gone Wild never made it to NYU for their co-ed special and you’re masking it with a political cause! You have to learn to accept that NYC isn’t really an ideal setting for a low-budget porno that’s going to be cherished by millions of Americans.

Seriously though, most people would consider it an honor to attend NYU. Please reconsider your methods. You’re all very lucky to be attending such a prestigious university. If you don’t like what NYU does, then transfer.

Socks and Sandals: A Sorrowful Sight

MEN! Why do some of you wear socks with sandals? I don't understand the point!





The definition of sandal:
n.
1. A shoe consisting of a sole fastened to the foot by thongs or straps.
2. A low-cut shoe fastened to the foot by an ankle strap.
3. A rubber overshoe cut very low and covering little more than the sole of the shoe.
4. A strap or band for fastening a low shoe or slipper on the foot.

If you read through the definition, you can get the gist of how a sandal works. The idea is to have a rubber sole with an attachment that covers part of the foot or ankle for the purpose of keeping the rubber sole in place. The whole concept of a sandal is not really to cover the foot...

So WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!

Are you trying to warm your feet up? If your feet are cold, why don't you wear shoes? Are you trying to show off your socks? I highly doubt that... your washed-out ankle Nike socks aren't anything to write home about. Or, are you attempting to alleviate the concentration of stank from your regular shoes? They have Odor Eaters for that!

Honestly, it's like wearing ass chaps with underwear. Or a bikini over long johns... there is no point! I would love to hear from someone, ANYONE, who can provide an ounce of reasoning behind this fashion flub... I just cannot see both sides to this!

Swisherrific!

Nick Swisher, the epitome of dirty baseball player, is officially a Yankee!
He can't really hit, but I am sure he can score. Oh yeah, I just went there and used baseball lingo as innuendo. I just stooped to cougarish levels... you would too if you were Nick Swisher's only fan.

Ramen Noodles: The Poor Man's Crack

Hello. My name is Liz and I am addicted to ramen noodles. This is the first time I am openly admitting this, but my addition is obvious to those who are close to me.



I've known the salty goodness that is ramen my entire life. When I was in grade school, I would eat dinner at a friend's house and her parents would serve ramen noodles as a side dish. My parents always served me healthy, non-processed food growing up, so the salty, spicy ramen was a treat.

It wasn't until college that I developed my initial addiction. I didn't have much of a food budget then, about $20 per week. $1 would get me six packs of ramen noodles, and I would have $19 left over for beer. Although I never mixed the two, ramen and beer were extremely complimentary of each other. After a night of boozing, there was nothing better than coming home to a salty bowl of ramen, prepared in 3 minutes.

Now I am a few years out of college and I still ingest massive amounts of ramen. I am privy to the oriental flavor, but chicken hits the spot as well. I've dabbled in other forms of sodium: Lipton soups, ginger ale, mashed potatoes and popcorn loaded with extra salt but nothing hits the spot like ramen noodles.

I prepare it over the stove. Shaking until I get my sodium fix, I wait for the water to boil. I have a special bowl that I like using and a special spoon. The experience is just sub par with out them. Once the water boils, I break up the ramen into manageable quarters, so each part is thoroughly boiled. Before the noodles absorb most of the water, I shake the flavor packet so everything is concentrated towards the bottom. To have the flavoring spill would be most tragic, since that is where the salty concoction comes from. Ripping open the top of the flavor packet, I quickly sprinkle the flavoring and stir. I don't want the magic powder to lose its oriental flavor, so this part of the routine is done quickly. Still shaking from withdrawl, I pour the finished product into my special bowl and stir again with my special spoon. I inhale the saltiness and then take my first sip. The feeling of that first sip is the rush I have been waiting for all day! It's like a shock of evil rushing through my taste buds.

I know ramen noodles have no nutritional value whatsoever. I've tried to convince myself how horrible they are for me, and that I will most likely develop heart disease from daily ingestion. I've imagined the ramen noodle factory, and tried to trick myself into believing that it's rat infested and full of evil fat midgets who are shareholders in pharmaceutical companies that specialize in blood pressure medication. No luck, I still need the saltiness.

Yes, I am addict who gets their fix the cheapest way they can. And I have taken the first step and admitted it. Please stay tuned for my adventures in recovery. It's a long, winding road, but I am confident that I can get there and kick my habit for good!

The Price Is Right

If you've ever seen the classic game show, "The Price Is Right" then you know it's right up there with Disneyworld as being one of the happiest places on Earth. While watching it today, I took note of how everyone congratulates and hugs the person who is called down to be a contestant. Every one is cheering and screaming like 10 year old girls at a Jonas Brother's concert. The Price Is Right is extremely entertaining and happy, and I think we can find another worldy use for it.



We take all world leaders that have conflicts with each other, fly them to Los Angeles, and force them to participate in a taping of the Price Is Right. It will automatically alter every one's disgruntled moods into carefree fun! We'll call down Russia and Georgia, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, the US and virtually every country in Africa and pin them up against each other in games like Plinko! And of course, they'll all be enthusiastic participants in the Showcase Showdown! I don't know why the UN hasn't recommended this already!

Our Economic Crisis, and the Rap Song That Describes It

If there is one song which I believe fully explains the economic state that our county is experiencing right now, it has to be "Still Fly" by the Big Tymers. Please take a gander at the chorus line:

Gator boots with the pimped out Gucci suits (With the Gucci suits)
Ain't got no job, but I stay suave (Ehh-Ehh Ehh-Ehh, I stay suave)
Can't pay my rent, cause all my money's spent (I can't pay my rent)
But that's okay, cause I'm Still Fly (Uh, Uh, Damn! Cause I'm so fly)

Got a quarter tank of gas - in my new E class (In my E-Class Benz)
But that's alright, cause I'm gon' ride (mmm-hmm)
Got everythang - in my momma name (We got everythang, in my momma name)
But I'm Hood Rich - dadah-dadah da-dah da-dah da-dah (Uh-Huh!)

The Big Tymers are right on! Although this song was written and released a few years back, it was a foreshadowing of what we're experiencing right now: People buy things that they can't afford, just to look Hood Rich.


My solution: The government should bring in the Big Tymers as economic consultants, since they obviously know what's going on. I am sure they can think of economy-friendly methods of getting the bang for your buck. As you can see in one of their album covers, they could probably bring down unemployment, since they got that work.